1. Why did the guy try to avoid eye surgery by rubbing ketchup in his eyes?  He had heard that Heinz sight was 20/20.
  2. Patient: “Doc, I get a stabbing pain in my eye every time I take a sip of coffee."  Doctor: “Have you tried taking the spoon out of the mug?"
  3. What do you call a penguin with no eye?  A pengun!
  4. At what elevation is your vision the best?  See Level.
  5. Why don’t optometrists use tape measures?  They’re really good at eyeballing it.
  6. What did the eyeball say to the eyelid?  "I wish you wouldn't keep me in the dark!"
  7. Why did the pirate walk into the bar?  He had his patch on the wrong eye.
  8. Cop: “Let me know if you see the suspect with one eye.” Bystander: “I already saw him run that way, but I was using both my eyes.”
  9. Man 1: “I stopped seeing my girlfriend two days ago.”  Man 2: “Really?  What happened?” Man 1: “She accidentally poked me in the eyes.”
  10. Woman 1: “I used to date a man with a lazy eye.”  Woman 2: “Why did you stop?”  Woman 1: “He was seeing someone on the side.”
  11. Patient: “Doc, my eyes are really dry.”  Eye Doctor: “Here, smell this onion.”  Patient: “That made me cry!”  Eye Doctor: “Great, I pulled out the onion to make you moist-your-eyes.”
  12. How are your eye doctor and your teacher the same?  They both spend their days testing pupils!

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